Entry: Thinking Out Loud Monday, December 13, 2004



roni_bats once wrote in an article that if you want to start crying two days before someone actually dies, go and take up medicine.

Or something to that effect.

My version goes: if you want to be plagued by what-ifs and if-I-had-done-thats and should-I-haves and if-had-known-then-what-I-know-now, go ahead and become a medical student.

You've gone some of the way, but you aren't really there yet. You know stuff theoretically, but you don't know what to do with it yet in real life.

If I had known then that what my grandfather was experiencing during our last phone conversation was already unstable angina, would it have made much of a difference? If I had taken the time and visited my high school a few weeks ago, would I have been able to pick up the warning signs and have warned my teacher about the possibility of liver disease?

Yes, I know it's not really my responsibility, but I can't help it. I think these kinds of stuff, you know?

I just wish it gets easier the nearer I am to becoming a doctor.

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It's been a long time since I last felt the Christmas spirit.

It's been years and years. I think it harks back to when I was still a kid.

It's the world, I guess. It has made me more and more cynical as the years go by.

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I know I'm contradicting myself yet again, but a thought that struck me in the middle of class last week had me confused.

I realized that I do not want to examine patients for the rest of my life.

I want to go out there and be free; not saddled and weighed down by other people's troubles but be free.

So what am I still doing here in med school?

I don't know. I sure hope I can think up reasons why.

Let's see what happens in the next couple of weeks.

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I promise I'll write a more upbeat entry next time.
   2 comments

lostsoul
December 20, 2004   08:32 AM PST
 
hmm... tama ka. it may not have been your responsibility, but it's always going to plague your mind and soul.. but circe, you have to learn to let go.

sabi ni middleman, wag daw 'what if i had known?' kundi 'why didn't i know better?' ang birit. sagot ko dyan.. 'e ano ngayon?' diba? i mean.. what's the use of beating yourself on the back for something that you were not prepared to handle naman talaga at the exact moment that the situation presented itself to you? you'll end up just being crapped out and possibly even hate yourself for it. basta nangyari na yon. tapos. move on. magiging mahusay ka naman na doktor, e. alam ko yun. dun ka na bumawi. :) ang galing, mabuti naman din pala naisip mo 'to.. at least it opens your eyes (and mine too, kaya thank you) to the fact na there's so much more that we need to know about life.. and that when we finally do know at least *something* about life, we have to be able to actually do something about it. :)

ey.. ako rin, parang ayokong tumingin ng pasyente day in, day out.. kaya i'm planning to work like thrice a week lang. the other four days will be spent skydiving, scuba diving, and whitewater rafting. hehe

it's been quite a while na rin since i last felt the spirit.. for different reasons, i guess. for me, i'm just so danged tired na emotionally. owel.
MiddleMan
December 13, 2004   10:38 PM PST
 
Somehow, I have a feeling it'll just get harder and harder. Instead of "What if I had known?", we'll probably asking ourselves, "Why didn't I know better?" Mas frustrating ata na may alam ka (well, in your case maraming alam) tapos wala ka pa rin magawa. Damn depressing stuff if you ask me.

Sorry I'm not much comfort. Just my two cents worth.

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